the Sixteenth of October

I feel as though I have to write in my blog about the above mentioned date because, besides the purpose of a blog being a log of my life, I never want to forget this moment...

The Sixteenth of October: On this date, I came out to my Mom. I did try to come out ot her before, but that one time succeeded only in emotionally scarring me. Apparently the Eleventh of October was National Coming Out Day, I guess I was a few days late. In all seriousness though, I hate following the masses and I came out on the Sixteenth because I finally believed I was capable of facing any and all of the consequences that would befall upon me. The whole process was an awkward, soul-crushing, yet queerly heart-warming blend of feelings that let me come to terms with my Mom but more importantly (and selfishly) with myself. Of course even in this kind of emotional-overload situation Matthew still managed to find humour.

So I sacrificed my entire Friday night (okay... it wasn't much of a sacrifice, I had no plans) to chill with my Mom and build up my confidence to tell her. I eventually told her, but not before I procrastinated the entire day away and not before I put myself in a situation where I could not escape.  

Driving home from Sobey's, I was lucky it was late in the night and there wasn't much traffic because I sure as heck wasn't concentrating fully on the road. As the car sped in the direction of its destination my mind raced right alongside it with incomplete thoughts and alternate reality scenerios of the point in time when my Mom would react. The cliché Nike slogan, "Just do it!" echoed internally in me as one part of myself built up my confidence while another part of me pulled the car into the driveway and not into the garage, marking the difference between this night and a normal late night return from grocery shopping.

I turned the key, and the car went quiet. I locked the doors, less so to keep my Mom from escaping (although that was a geniuine concern) but more to convince myself it was to be now or never. She asked, "Why are we parked out here? You know the car goes in the garage". Staring directly in front of me into the dark night, I could not look my Mom in the eyes. Minutes passed by the car but within it time was frozen, it did not exist. The pounding of my heart propelled me to say something/anything to break the silence, "You're not going to like what I have to say" I finally replied. With compassion in her voice, she said "Just say it. Don't you know I'm your Mom? You can tell me anything, don't waste anymore time". I knew she was right, and with that I knew I could say everything I wanted to and more.

Without hesitation I stated, "Mom, I don't like girls". However, with or without confidence in my voice, it still went completely over my Mom's head. In typical Asian-style, my Mom said: "Its okay Matthew, just concentrate on what you want to do in life, school, work, anything... you don't have to find a girlfriend yet. You're still very young". Argh, let's just say at this moment, I realized I would have to say things more directly. "No Mom, I don't like girls... I'm gay". Because of this declaration, I felt the sweet feeling of emancipation from a long term of self-imprisonment, my Mom on the other hand experienced three of the five stages of Kubler-Ross's grief model. The first stage felt for her was denial: "Matthew, people change all the time... are you sure you like guys? You shouldn't tell me something if you're going to change five, ten, twenty years down the road". After I explained to her that I've had these feelings for most of my post-pubescent life and that I've never had feelings of attraction towards girls, my Mother revealled a bit of her lesbian side in her journey through the bargaining stage, "I have many close girl friends, and had many chance to be more than friends with them, but I chose not too. Is it not possible to be just friends with boys?" (let's just say this was where I felt like giggling). I had to then further explain that the strong feelings I have towards females are still only within the bounds of friendship and not, like that of males in the realm of potential lover (not ALL boys of course). About half an hour after I started this process, my Mother finally understood and fully comprehended the situation. Acceptance soon washed over her and with a smile in her voice told me things (which I will not relay here) that made me also come to the realization that my Mom is not your typical Asian mother and how grateful I should be to have her and to have her accept me completely for who I am.

Fortunately, my mom did not experience either anger or depression (the two missing stages) from my coming out of the closet, though I was expecting both. At times I wished that my Mom would have reacted to my coming out with anger, as I prefered it to making her cry, but this was before I actually told her and I believed these were the only two options I would be faced with. Instead, what I confronted after my Mother's acceptance was a barrage of embarrassing questions, such as: Do you have a boyfriend? (I hesitated way too long to answer this question, of course I don't... it just took me by surprise [Because my mom has never even asked me if I had a girlfriend before]), Do you like anyone? What does it feel like to like someone of the same sex? Have you done anything with guys? You had/have so many girls around you, won't they be disappointed? (Personally, I don't think so!), etc. When the question period finally came to a close, I asked my mom for a hug, which she willingly complied while the tears I had collected in my eyes at last escaped their confinement and rolled freely down my cheeks.

So after this long exchange of emotions, the self-conscious person that I am would not give up the opportunity to ask the question: "Mom, did you ever have any suspicions that I was gay?". My Mom's answer was, "No, never! But ever since you were small I always thought that you wouldn't be one to get married", so she wasn't expecting a daughter-in-law or grandchildren! My burden as the first son has been lifted! Or perhaps she thought I'd remain a bachelor forever... I didn't ask any further questions after that response. I was actually under the assumption that she would reply with: "Yes, you were always different, even as a child I knew" but I guess that sort of reaction would have made my coming out story too ideal (especially for my life).

Do I regret keeping my sexuality a secret from my Mom for so long? Yes, as I always felt as though I was misleading her all this time in keeping this part of my life secret. My relationship with my Mom is valuable to me, and I felt that this was always indirectly putting an additional strain on it. Because I've been through so much personal crap this year, I realize now more than ever that I want to live a much more open and honest life. I've realize that happiness truly is living your life as who you really are and surrounding yourself with friends who also hold this truth to be self-evident.

Next hurdles:
- tell my brother (even though my Mom says I shouldn't)
- tell (if I feel like it) my Aunts/Uncles/cousins...
- apologise to people for this long-ass blog (I'm SORRY!) 
- learn how to write a short/brief blog
- teach myself acoustic guitar